Who am I to judge you? But I must first state that I am greatly impressed by your desire for truth and integrity.
This sensitivity shows a positive depth of character and being honest with oneself is certainly praiseworthy.
Hypocrisy may seem to be the opposite of truth. And truth is one of the pillars for the existence of the world (Avot 1:18). However, I don’t agree calling any positive act “hypocrisy”. And if you insist that it’s a form of hypocrisy I suggest it be labeled “healthy hypocrisy”.
A few years ago two young men came to a yeshiva where I was teaching. One morning after the prayers, they came over to me to and asked me in a quite shy manner if they could ask something. I said “Of course! They said they both had the same question. They came together to yeshiva to learn more about Jewish practice and teachings, but they had a moral dilemma. They said that they were learning so many new things, and realized that there was so much that they didn’t know. “Even if we start to observe one new thing today, we know there are thousands of other things we are not observing because we have not learned them yet! Aren’t we hypocrites to start doing X if we are not doing Y? Maybe we shouldn’t do anything new until we have learned much more and see that we are able to observe everything?” This was an extremely important issue for them that would decide their futures.
During the following hours we discussed the issue and we got to know and understand each other better as well. Eventually I advised, “If you are sincere in what you are doing and want to do what’s right, I don’t see how there’s a problem. This is a natural process of growth. I can’t tell you how to feel, but I am convinced that any negative feelings are not warranted and not productive, and that soon you will feel more comfortable and positive about what you are doing.” They told me they were still hesitant but would continue for a week and see how they felt then. I wished them all the best, and that they should feel free to come to me again anytime about anything. A week later, they came to me and thanked me — they understood that they had a long way to go, but had taken their first steps, and had a positive sense of growth. I wished them a journey filled with much happiness and success.
Likewise, I ask you to reconsider carrying out your desire to kiss the Torah. The Torah is the “property” of the Jewish People and what makes us a unique nation. It is only natural and positive to want to express how cherished it is to us by the show of affection of a kiss. Even if you do not observe everything written in it, it is still yours. It is our greatest national treasure and you have every right to express your feelings. And we are taught that a person is affected by the actions he does. When a person kisses the Torah, it kisses him back, so to speak, and this only helps the person grow closer to the Torah and its Giver.
I am certain you will make the correct decision for yourself. Perhaps give it a try for the next week or two and see if you feel good about it. I think that’s a fair “litmus test”. And please feel free to write again anytime!
