It is a great mitzvah and true kindness to visit during the shivah period, but the visitor must be extremely sensitive to the state of mind of the mourner. Even if the visitor merely sits and does not utter a word the entire time, he has nevertheless helped to comfort the mourner. By his very presence the visitor conveys sympathy, concern, and love. In addition, a certain level of communication that is beyond words connect heart to heart and soul to soul and can certainly be felt by the mourner; “As water reflects a face back to a face, so one’s heart is reflected back to him by another.” If the visitor feels however, that the mourner would prefer to be alone, he should, of course, leave.
Every person reacts differently to tragedy and is comforted in different ways. For this reason, Jewish law does not allow a visitor to initiate conversation in the house of mourning unless it is clear that the mourner would like to talk. When they do talk, the visitor should keep in mind that the occasion is not a social event; the visitors and mourner should not, for example, even greet each other. Ideally, visitors should talk about the goodness of the deceased and offer words of comfort and encouragement. One should not attempt to “explain” the tragedy or to offer an intellectual perspective on death. The mourner’s need is emotional, not intellectual; our response should be on an emotional level as well. Just before leaving, one should offer the traditional words of comfort.
“May the Omnipresent One console you among the other mourners for Zion and Jerusalem.” (“Hamakom yenachem etchem betoch sh’ar aveilei Tzion viYerushalayim.”)
This expression joins the personal tragedy with the mourning of the entire Jewish nation over the destruction of the Holy Temple and the exile of the Jewish people from our homeland. It also describes God as being everywhere at all times, conveying the reassurance that God is with the mourner in his distress, as well.
