I cannot even begin to imagine the depths of your pain, anguish and anger. The time of mourning is a time to express your sorrow, and to bond with your family and with the community who offer comfort. Your task now is to grieve, not to explain. If you are capable of asking this question, you still have your wits about you and you are thinking. Therefore, of all your family, you need to be strong so that you can help those around you who are in an even worse state of mind. I am not going to attempt to offer any type of explanation at this point. The wound is still raw, the pain is too much to get involved in intellectualism and rationalization. All I can say is that we believe that God loves us, and that He is the source of life at every moment. You are part of the Jewish people, and we are all limbs of one body, so we feel your pain too. The soul lives on and exists in a relationship with God, even if it is distant and suffering, it knows the truth and knows that its suffering will bring it closer to the Source of all good. But all of this is not going to be as helpful as speaking to a person. Email is not a medium to deal with what you are going through. If you would like to let us know where you live approximately, we will try to find a local Rabbi with whom you can talk.
May the Almighty comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem and may you know no more sorrow.
