Shalom, I am a Jewish woman that is married to a non Jew, in the last 2 years I relaized that I felt differently about HaShem. I started dressing modestly and actually studing Torah. I now believe that nothing should be added to it or taken from it. I believe that the Torah is HaShem's way of telling me what he expects me to do and not to do (kind of how he feels). With that being said I feel as though I am a JOKE, because, no matter how hard I try, I can not live the way I feel as though HaShem wants me to. My husband did not convert , we have 4 beautiful children and I desided not to push Orthodox education, instead I put our children into our religious school at our reform synogoge. I am also letting our son learn what he may will need to know for when he becomes a Bar Mitzvah (in Jan.) from our reform Rabbi that does not believe that the Torah is true, he only believes it is G-d inspired. I want our children to be able to learn Torah for its own sake. Here are my questions: If I know that I can not live according to Torah and Jewish Law and I am breaking Mitzvot to do other mitzvot (like driving on Shabbat to get to temple) then why even bother trying anymore? Given it is the High Holy days do I (being a Jewish woman) need to go to services and should I feel like I am at a dead end, instead of the beginning of a path from HaShem?
Sincerely,
The depth of your sincerity is obvious from your letter and the anguish that you feel over the position you find yourself in is also perfectly clear. Is there any point in continuing to keep Mitzvot as you transgress (many) others? Absolutely! Hashem does not judge a person only according to the number of Mitzvot that they perform. First and foremost, Hashem judges the intent that went into the performance of the Mitzvot that were kept. That means that each and every Mitzvah that you keep is another jewel in the crown that the Jewish People are creating to coronate Hashem with.
Of course, that does not mean that one should be satisfied with their Mitzvah observance. Every Jew should want to strive to keep more and aspire to reach higher and higher in spiritual endeavors because to do so reveals the beauty and the grandeur of Judaism and, at the same time, draws one closer to Hashem. What can you do to continue the process that you have already begun? Well, perhaps paradoxically, a place to begin could be by not traveling to Synagogue on Yom Kippur. If the Synagogue is too far to walk it would be preferable not to go at all and to commemorate the day at home in a meaningful and personal way. I imagine that the Yom Kippur prayers may be a little overwhelming. If that is so try to pray those prayers that you find your heart being pulled towards and perhaps try to read some books.
I suggest: Permission to Believe by L. Keleman
Permission to Receive by L. Keleman
Living Up to the Truth by D. Gottlieb
Living Up to the Truth can actually be downloaded for free from the Ohr Somayach website at www.ohr.edu
Please allow me to wish you a spiritually significant and uplifting Yom Kippur and that you be blessed with much (Jewish) joy and contentment from your beautiful children.
