Studies have shown that most Jewish people today would like to marry other Jews. Yet studies have also shown that most Jewish people today do not end up marrying other Jews!
What happens?
After many years of research in the field, I've come to the conclusion that it boils down to one thing: many people see marrying another Jew as something "nice." They don't realize how important it is. Once they see it as important, they'll do a few easy things that will make it happen.
So why is it important to marry other Jews? Obviously the ultimate reason is the Torah itself. The best way to 'stop intermarriage' is to turn Jews on to Jewish ideas and life– and visiting this site is a wonderful way to do it.
However, we also need to think short-term. With thousands of Jews marrying out of the faith each week, we need to explain why marrying other Jews is important for everyone, now, irrespective of Jewish knowledge and practice.
Happy Marriage
Researchers report that two-religion marriages have more tension and disagreements than comparable in-marriages. The causes for this tensions range from disagreements about which holidays to observe, which religious tradition to bring the kids up in, different embedded religious and cultural attitudes towards money and a host of other connected factors, and more. These "time bombs," lead to significantly higher divorce rates (sometimes twice as high!) and lower "marital happiness" rates. With far fewer long-term problems to deal with, same-faith marriages have a much higher chance of being happy and successful than comparable intermarriages.
This is not surprising since practical issues can seriously affect a couple, despite their feelings for each other. Consider that, presumably, 99.99% of couples who get married are "in love." Yet most of these couples get divorced, often quickly. Proof enough that love is not enough to overcome practical obstacles. And in intermarriages, the practical obstacles are often insurmountable.
Effects on Kids
Children look to parents as their bedrock of love, support, and care. In intermarriages, children sense – and see – a lack of unity between parents and it often hurts them deeply. When asked which she liked better, Christmas or Chanukah, one little girl responded, "Christmas – but you promise you won't tell my daddy?" Think about it: what are the chances that this little girl will develop into a strong, self-confident young woman? It is not surprising that children of same-faith marriages are more likely to feel secure in their identities, and therefore exhibit higher self-esteem and confidence.
These two great dangers of intermarriage – lack of happiness and problematic environment for children - have been proven consistently over time and happen to be true for all religious intermarriages, whether Hindu-Muslim, Catholic-Protestant, or Christian-Jewish. They also happen to be true even if the non-Jewish spouse agrees to raise the kids Jewish, as time and time again earlier agreements are put back on the table as people get older. Whatever they agreed to previously, within 4-5 years of marriage, people often realize that they also value the traditions they were brought up with. Then all the problems start.
Jewishness
In intermarriages involving one Jew and one non-Jew, the sad reality is that study after study confirms that the vast, vast majority of intermarried families, Jewishness simply doesn't last. Even amongst families where the kids are being raised as "Jews only," 79% celebrate Christmas in some form. Only 11% of the children of intermarriage would be "very upset" if their kids did not regard themselves as Jews. Less than 10% of the children of intermarriage themselves marry Jews. When asked
